A Call to Self-Death

Exodus 33:18-20

I am tired of doing church. I am tired of routine Christianity. I am tired of standing to sing songs that are not meaningful to me. I am tired of sitting down to listen to sermons that offer very small spiritual nourishment. I am tired of preaching the Word Sunday after Sunday and seeing no visible spiritual growth among the people. I am tired of seeing dry worship. I am tired of seeing people at church talking with their seatmates while the service is going on. I am tired of all these things. I am tired of doing church.

But this does not mean that I want to give up. I am tired of less because I want more. I am tired of less when I can experience more. I am tired of dead Christianity when it is possible to have a lively church. I am tired of picking up breadcrumbs in the church, when a whole loaf of bread is available. I am tired of dry services when it is possible for the Holy Spirit to descend upon His church and sweep us all. I am tired of nominal Sunday Christianity where people’s level of spiritual satisfaction is so shallow. I am tired of routines that does not bear fruit.

My heart aches for more. This has to be more than these. Jesus told His disciples that they would see greater things (John 14:12). Where are these greater things? Jesus told Peter that the gates of hell will not prevail over the church (Matt 16:18). What happened? Jesus promised power to the disciples when the Spirit comes on His disciples (Acts 1:8). Where is this power?

Has the church become too complacent? Have we settled for what we have? Have we no desire for greater things? Are we okay with empty seats? Are we satisfied with mediocre spiritual life?

Well, I am not. I want more. I want more of God in my life. I want more of God in your lives. I want more of God in our church. I want all of us to be like Moses, who, when he was in the presence of God, made a request: “Please show me your glory” (Exo 33:18). I want to have Moses’ discontentment. He was already conversing with God. He already saw how the mighty hand of God worked wonders. He already had a glimpse of God’s glory. But his request is still, “Please show me your glory.” Moses wanted to experience God more. Moses wanted to experience God in a way he has never experienced before.

This is my prayer too: “Lord, show us our glory.” Your glory is so hidden from us. Your glory is hardly felt inside that nothing is really overflowing from this place to the outside. Sometimes I feel like the glory of the Lord is limited only in the platform. Song leaders seem to feel the glory of God while they at the platform, but the people in the other areas of the sanctuary do not feel any of God’s presence. If the glory of the Lord is hardly felt by people in the sanctuary, then how much more will other people feel God’s glory when they are outside of our building?

But there is a problem. God’s response to Moses’s request was not very encouraging. God said, “You cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live” (Exo 33:20). The problem is this: If we really want to see God’s glory revealed and manifested in our midst, we must be ready and willing to die. The only way to see God’s face is to face death. What does this mean?

First, this can mean physical death, because this was the case of the high priests. They can only enter the Holy of Holies if they were ready to die. In fact, a rope was tied on their waist so that in case they did die in the Holy of Holies, they could just be pulled out. The day they are supposed to enter the Holy of Holies, they leave their families without the assurance of ever coming back alive to them. The day they enter the Holy of Holies, they are dead men walking. One of their feet is already in the grave. But they would still go through. They would still enter the Holy of Holies. It would be their great opportunity to be in the presence of God. They tremble at the thought of dying, but they still enter the Holy of Holies, because it is where God’s glory dwells. If we really want to be in the presence of God and to experience His glory, we need to have the resolve like that of the high priests. 

Second, this can mean death to self. Paul was very clear that God wants us to offer ourselves as “a living sacrifice” (Rom 12:1), but these living sacrifices must also be willing to die to themselves. Paul told the Romans: “consider yourselves to be dead to sin” (Rom 6:11). Jesus Himself taught that the only way we can fully experience and follow Him is if we die to ourselves: “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it” (Luke 9:23-24). There is no gain apart from dying first: “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit” (John 12:24).

Thirdly, this can mean death of our pride and glory. The only way to see God’s glory is when we put our egos to death. John the Baptist said: “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30). We must bury our glory. The birth of God’s glory coincides with the death of humanity’s glory.

In all of these, the argument is simple: Until we are ready to let go of ourselves, we will not see God’s glory. Until we are ready to die, we will not see God’s glory. Only dead humans see God. Only dead humans are worthy of seeing God. Only those who are willing to let go of everything can see God.  If we are not willing to kill the sinful flesh and murder our own glory, we should not expect God to descend upon us. As in the story of Elijah at Mount Carmel, fire from heaven only visibly descended when dead sacrifices were laid at the altar.

Throughout the Bible, there were many who desired to see God’s face, even if they knew that only dead men see God. Psalm 24:6 even records a “generation of those who seek Him, who seek the face of the God of Jacob.” Imagine a whole generation of people seeking after God, even though they know that it would cost them their lives. John Wesley once said, “Give me one hundred preachers who fear nothing but sin, and desire nothing but God, and I care not a straw whether they be clergymen or laymen; such alone will shake the gates of hell and set up the kingdom of heaven on earth.” Wesley is correct. If the church is composed of people who desire God so much and fear nothing—including death—then the kingdom of heaven will also be on earth (see Matt 6:10).

The problem, however, is that there are very few Moseses in the church who have the desire to see God’s glory and the tenacity to approach God even if it is dangerous. In fact, even in the time of Moses, he was quite unique and different from the rest of the Israelites. We read in Exodus 20:18-21 a disturbing story:

When all the people saw the thunder and the flashes of lightning and the sound of the trumpet and the mountain smoking, the people were afraid and trembled, and they stood far off and said to Moses, “You speak to us, and we will listen; but do not let God speak to us, lest we die.” Moses said to the people, “Do not fear, for God has come to test you, that the fear of him may be before you, that you may not sin.” The people stood far off, while Moses drew near to the thick darkness where God was.

In this story, the people could almost touch God’s glory. God was right there, just ahead of them. He was present at Mount Sinai. Exodus 19:9-11 narrates that God descended from heaven precisely for them: “And the Lord said to Moses, ‘Behold, I am coming to you in a thick cloud, that the people may hear when I speak with you, and may also believe you forever.’ When Moses told the words of the people to the Lord,  the Lord said to Moses, ‘Go to the people and consecrate them today and tomorrow, and let them wash their garments and be ready for the third day. For on the third day the Lord will come down on Mount Sinai in the sight of all the people’.”

But what did the people do? On the day that God descended from heaven to be at Mount Sinai, the Israelites “were afraid and trembled, and they stood far off and said to Moses, ‘You speak to us, and we will listen; but do not let God speak to us, lest we die’…  The people stood far off, while Moses drew near to the thick darkness where God was (Exo 20:18-21). The people were invited to God’s presence, but they were afraid. They were afraid because they thought they would die. They did not want to take risks. And so they sent Moses on their behalf. They were comfortable being in the boundaries of God’s presence and just get a whiff of the glory of God. They were content with a small experience of God if it meant that they would continue to live.

This is the problem of modern Christianity. There is so much more of God’s presence, and there is so much more in God’s presence, but we choose to stay at the outskirts where it is safe. We are content to be on the outskirts of God’s presence. We are satisfied with the seeping glory outside the fence when we are actually invited to come in. We do not care or dare to venture where God’s glory dwells. We do not want to go there because we love our selves more than we love God. We would rather live a life far away from God and His glory than bask in God’s presence if it entails dying to ourselves. Then we wonder and ask stupid questions like: Why do I feel dry in my life? Why is the church without power? Why is the church struggling? The answer to this question is that we choose a life far away from God than a death closer to Him. Quite simply, if we want to see God’s face and if we want God’s glory to be revealed on earth, then we must be willing to die to ourselves.